i come from a long line of girls
who like to talk about their hair
but only some girls spank
their friends with a paddle
when i see a scene like that it’s like
i don’t know if i wanna be the girl being hit
or the fat guy watching
it’s not a mistake if i don’t know which
i’ve been watching a lot of movies lately
because i have not had the words
to say what i’m guilty for
i come from a long line of girls
pulled apart by secrets
girls who eat their parents like spiders
and go to the mall after closing to steal
a mall after closing can be a scary place
in the movie, the babes don’t realize
they’re vulnerable
until the lights go off
they’re too busy with their bodies
parsing jealousy from desire
to notice a darkness waits for them
in real life, if you see something dark
it’s likely you who put it there
in the movie, the mall has a bowling alley
when the dark reveals a friend as a monster
there’s only one thing a babe can do
you bowl a perfect game
you change your clothes
you keep on bowling it

there are flies everywhere in the apartment
i announce to my cat:
beelzebub is here!
it’s the king!
of the flies!
and his wrath!
is upon us!
and these drowsy bumping drones
that the cat can swat easily
are our punishment – the stark reality of autumn
i lose my mind over the bugs and eat
my stomach aches while my acids are working
i think about how flies digest their food before eating
and it sounds kind of nice as the evening wears on
every night i pearl their buzzing under my tongue

until the city has its fill of it
on thursday nights from 11 to friday mornings at 4
the city sends trucks through the neighborhood
(a pesticide cavalry – a fumigated cattle call)
the bugs in the street
rise to the windows to escape
and fumes form vernal pools on the asphalt
all of it steaming

when i wake
the city’s air a chemical soup
my flesh a deep osmosis
my ligaments yawn and stretch
under my skin like this body
wants to become! something new!
while the kitchen is thick with bristling legs!
while the flies sing louder
around the sink and the toaster

i don’t know what to do
so i call for help
and the nurse on the phone says:
hello?
hello?
you said there were flies?
you said what?
you’re turning into a fly?
and i say:
no no ma’am
this is not a transformation
i just am so small
you know what i –
you know what i mean sometimes –

when the line clicks
meaning she can no longer hear me
i lick kisses over my knees
it starts to mean different things
there starts to be a dissolving of skin and tissue
when the saliva sinks in

(carapace – proboscis – asphalt)

then this thing that i am is beginning
i mean i am beginning (for once)
to make sense