Brad Rose​​

How much does your breakfast weigh? I mean, without the eyes. Of course, you’ve got to wonder, What’s in it for the other scorpions? I guess everybody hears a different drummer, although it seems to me like there aren’t enough corners in this room. Maybe I need a new playbook? Overall, you’ve got to guesstimate what animals are thinking. Most are just a mix of random chemicals and stray electricity. You know, heads or tails, but it could be worse. It’s a shame about the baby ones, though. Hey, would you like to taste something really different? Try one of mine. The dipping sauce is my own recipe. No, go ahead. Take two. There’re plenty more where those came from.

I prefer the peace and quiet of a warm, cozy, house with a fireplace, and a big dog roasting on a spit. Why be yourself when you can be someone else? Athletics isn’t just for athletes, you know, especially now that everybody is their own webpage. You can succeed in the real world, or the other one, if need be. Of course, there’s nothing worse than a ten-headed snake, but it depends on how you define intelligence. Just as long as it’s dark and busy.

Yesterday, I was strolling past some anesthetized lawns, like those in the rich people movies. Just by using my brain waves, I could tell that the houses were filled with ironclad husbands and UFO-adjacent children. The horse stables were as neat as pin cushions.

Thanks to science, it’s a whole new world out there. I’m certain we’ll each get our day in court. Be sure to bring a blunt object of your choice. And don’t forget your tenterhooks. It’ll be like a block party – the flames are sure to cooperate, but the combustible furniture, although life-like while burning, won’t feel a thing.